If you know how to row a boat, you can row any boat. But if you don’t know how to row, changing boats isn’t going to help. Similarly, changing a relationship does not necessarily solve the issue. Sooner or later, you will be in the same situation in any other relationship, because in all relationships, what is most important is your understanding of your own emotions, your own mind, your own ability to be stable, and your own ability to see things from a broader perspective. And for this, wisdom is important, because it is wisdom that gives you strength, stability and a broader perspective in life.
Most of the time, we look elsewhere for a perfect relationship; very few look within themselves, at the place from where they relate. To have a perfect relationship, you first need to see how you related with yourself. You need to look inside. It’s your limited awareness of yourself and the limited experience of love that encapsulates you in a tiny compartment where you start suffocating in relationships.
Love is not an emotion or an act; you are made up of a substance called love. Love is not saying, “Oh, I can’t live without you”. That is not love. Love is what you are! The more you understand this, and the more you get centered in yourself, the more your life will be filled with love.
How to Relate Wisely in Relationships
1. Let Go of Control
Many have a problem of letting go of control. This results in anxiety and restlessness, and it sours relationships.
Wake up and see, are you really in control? What are you in control of? Perhaps a tiny part of your waking state! Isn’t that so?
- You are not in control when you are sleeping or dreaming.
- You are not in control of thoughts and emotions coming to you. You may choose to express them or not, but they come to you without your prior permission!
- You realize that most of the functions of your body are not in your control, and the same for your life and the whole universe.
Similarly, do you think you are in control of all the events in your life or in the world? That is a joke! When you look at things from this angle you need not be afraid of losing control, because you have none! Whether you realize it or not, when you let go of your sense of control, that is when you truly relax. Your identification of being somebody does not let you relax totally, and it keeps your domain limited.
2. Have a Sense of Reverence
Whatever you revere becomes bigger than you. When you have reverence in your relationships, then your own consciousness expands. Then even small things appear to be significant and big. Every little creature appears to be dignified. It is the reverence in every relationship that saves the relationship.
Often you do not have reverence for that which you own, and losing that reverence happens unconsciously. Reverence in ownership frees you from greed, jealousy and lust. Cultivate the skill of having reverence every moment in your life.
3. Annihilate Conflict
When you are in a harmonious environment, your mind picks up any excuse to be in conflict. Often small things are enough to create a big turmoil. Have you noticed this?
When your survival is at stake, you don’t complain that nobody loves you. But when you are safe and secure, you start demanding attention. Many people create conflict in order to get attention. So ask yourself this question: Do you seek harmony in every situation, or do you seek to widen the differences and prove your righteousness?
4. Have Common Goals
When two lines move parallel with each other, they can go on together forever. But when the two lines are focused on each other, then they cross and go away from each other. The same is true with relationships. When both partners have a common goal in life, that makes their relationship last longer and brings more harmony. But when they are focused on each other, then they pick on each other; they love and hate, and all the fights happen.
If you can accept all the fights, all the misunderstandings, all the differences, all the diversities and move on, then you grow together.
5. Know That You Have More Love Than You Deserve
You should always feel that you are not worthy of the love that you receive. Think that the love you receive is much more than what you deserve. If you come from this space of humility, then you will behave with magnanimity and dignity in all your dealings. You won’t chew on the past, you will live in the present moment, you will honor the other’s opinions, you will understand the other’s predicaments; that magnanimity will come from within.
If you keep this in mind, that I don’t deserve this love, you will not demand love. And when you don’t demand love in your life, it keeps on increasing.